Busy Mom Q & A: Spanking Yay or Nay?

My youngest having a consequence moment.

Q. My mom says I don't spank my kids enough and that's why they don't respect me, but I just don't feel right hitting them. Should I spank them more, or is there another way to let them know I'm the boss?

A.     Well, there's a lot to unpack here and I don't know if we can get to it all. I'm going to pick two things I think are most important and go from there. I'll be in the comments if there are more questions. Let me start by addressing the spanking question, and I'm not sorry, but I'm going to blunt. Your mom is WRONG (<--all caps means business). Over the last few decades, studies have proven time and again that spanking does more harm than good. I come from a long line of spankers and we all turned out fine, but how do I know just how "fine" everyone is on the inside or how much better than "fine" they could have been without being physically dominated and temporarily belittled and injured by someone who loves and cherishes them? That's pretty complicated for a little kid to grasp, right? Anyway, here's an example in case you mom wants to hear it. A study review entitled “Physical punishment of children: lessons from 20 years of research” written by John Durrant, PhD and Ron Ensom, MSW RSW, in September 2012 for the Canadian Medical Association Journal showed that physical punishment in children is likely to lead to depression, anxiety, aggression, and potentially domestic violence in adults. Is that really what you want for your kids? I seriously doubt it.

    Now that we've covered the spanking, let's talk about respect. Good news, you don't have to hit your kids to earn their respect! Next time one of your kids does something your mother would consider spank-worthy, talk to them in a way that gives them direction and reinforces your place as the leader of your pack. Dr. Laurence Steinberg gives a great outline of how to do this in the book, 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting (p. 157-158). Here’s the framework. Remember the statement should be brief and age appropriate 1. State the unacceptable behavior. 2. Say why it's not okay. 3. Give a consequence. 4. Offer an alternative. 5. Set an expectation for next time. I promise it's easier than it sounds. Here's an example…..

Yelling child who must have food now!

Mom: I know you are hungry but yelling at me is not allowed. It makes me sad and it is rude. You can sit in time-out for 5 minutes while you calm down. Next time you should take a breath and count to ten. Then ask me for a snack without yelling. I know you will be kind and patient in the future when you ask me for something.