The Busy Mom Q & A: Motivation Madness

You don't have time to read a novel, and I don't have time to write one. 

So here we go!

Q. How do I get my daughter to actually try in school?! She has so much potential, but she doesn't apply herself.

1. Sound familiar? It does to me because my mom said it to me or about me my entire adolescence! She was right, I didn't try and I can't really pinpoint why either. Luckily for all of us there's been some research on the subject. Dr. Angela Duckworth, a prominent psychologist and previous high school teacher has spent the better part of her career trying to find out why some kids try to excel and others seem content with the status quo. She explains her findings in an excellent Ted Talk which you can watch below. I know you don't have a lot of time, but it's worth the watch. At least bookmark it to watch after the kids go to bed! Here's the nitty gritty though. Kids (actually people in general) can be broken down into to groups. Those with a growth mindset and those with a fixed mindset. The kids with the growth mindset are the ones who appreciate challenges as opportunities and the ones with the fixed mindset think that they can't really change anything so they don't really try. The good news is that there are things we can do to help fixed mindset kids develop a growth mindset or keep from encouraging a fixed mindset. The first step is to avoid praising skills. Evidently, telling a child he is smart is actually more likely to make him feel worried about feeling judged by his ability or inability to excel at challenging assignments or tasks. Instead, try praising effort. For example, instead of "You're so smart!" or "Wow, you're so great at math." Try saying something like "I can see you have been studying hard, you've learned so much!" or "I noticed you studied hard for that math test and got an A. Great job." See the difference? Try this exercise. Get a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write three skill based phrases that you might say to your child. On the right side, think of the same scenario, but make the praise into an effort based one. Use the example above to get started. I know you'll be a master of effort based praise in no time!