The Busy Mom Q & A: Coaching for Kids

You don't have time to read a novel, and I don't have time to write one. 

So here we go!

Q. There's been a lot of talk about "coaching" for the past few years. Is that something that you can do with kids?

1. You bet it is! Dr. John Gottman has done a lot of research on the emotional connections parents and teachers have with kids and how these relationships affect children emotionally and intellectually. He and his wife actually coined the term "emotion coaching," which I'll refer to as EC from here on out. Dr. Gottman shares 5 steps to EC on his website. You can find them here. In its most basic form though, EC just means that you listen to your child, validate his or her emotions, give them a name, and respect them. You have to put your agenda aside and really focus on what the child needs. In practice EC might sound like this...

Son: I hate soccer. I want to quit. I’m not going back out.

Dad: Option 1 Standard: Stop being a baby. Suck it up and get back out there!

 Option 2 EC style: I know that was embarrassing and you want to quit. I think you'll feel better in just a few minutes if you keep trying. If not, you can sit out for a while.

Hmmmm. Which one do you think will be better for their relationship?

 When we validate children, they learn to feel comfortable with a wide range of emotions. EC also deepens trust and respect from which all great learning experiences stem (imho of course). Last but certainly not least, EC helps children become empathetic adults and the world could sure use more of them. So please do your part, reduce, reuse, recycle, and emotional coach. 

Try this, write down three insensitive phrases you might use when tensions are running high. Here are a few examples. “Stop crying. You’re fine.” “Because I said so.” “Don’t be such a baby.” “You’re overreacting!” Now write down new phrases that would address the same scenarios with emotion coaching in mind. Remember, your phrases should name the feeling, validate it, and respect what the child needs. Give it a try. It’s easier than you think!